YOU CAN’T CHANGE SOMEONE ELSE

My mentor’s words often echo in my head, “Stop wanting more for others than they want for themselves.” That’s hard truth. Especially when someone dear to us is making choices that damage their life–and the lives of others. Change is a choice – and you can’t make that choice for anyone but yourself. God never violates the principle of free will. Although we try, He won’t allow us to violate it either.

God didn’t put you in charge of me–nor me in charge of you. He calls each of us to live His way and invite others to do the same—that is love. He never asks us to judge those who refuse our invitation. Nor are we to partner with the enemy and throw accusations around at others. We are to know and live God’s desires [as expressed in His Word], so that our lives will shine a light for others to follow.

Change must come from within. That is the truth of Psalm 37:4. When we delight in the Lord, He gives us [right] desires. When you desire right, you will put forth the effort to change. But it’s a personal decision that requires hard work.

Learning to love someone who is “hell-bent on self-destruction” is a painful journey. The way of suffering is the path Jesus walked. If you bear His name, it is a path you are called to walk. Restoring people to the love of God is a messy business.  Since the Garden of Eden God has been loving people who reject His ways. Nothing we do stops God’s call of love. But the choices we make either have us walking in His favor or His wrath. The Word of God is the standard for life for those who believe in the redemption offered by Jesus Christ.

When we accept the offer of eternal life, we commit to a process of transformation. AND we commit to walking with others who make the same commitment. That means there are those we will have in our lives that we cannot walk with. We are to keep inviting them to walk with us, but we can’t allow them to pull us away from Jesus.

Years ago when a loved one’s choices were crushing me, God sent someone who shared the truths below with me. They helped me—and may help you if you are walking alongside someone trapped in addiction, bitterness, or pride.

Walking out the love of God

I choose to hold only good feelings in my heart for you.

My sorrow, pain, resentment, and frustration, I will give to Jesus.

God gives you the freedom to choose how to live. I can do no less.

I will remember first, last, and always, that you are God’s Child.

I will remember you are growing…and He is a capable grower.

I will trust God to place the help you need within your reach.

I will trust God’s spirit to:

Take care of you;

Continue calling you closer;

Cheer you on every step of the way.

Show you the way to your highest good.

I will think of you always surrounded by God’s love and power.

I will not worry, fret or be unhappy for you.

I will not be anxious concerning you.

I will not be afraid for you.

I will not blame you, criticize you, or condemn you.

I will not give up on you.

I will be patient with you.

I will have confidence in God’s love for you..

I will stand by you with faith in Jesus Christ.

I will bless you in my prayers and in Jesus’ Name.

The commitments above are an expression of love that will make your faith real. If you will seek to live that love, Jesus will free you from the pit of anxiety and struggling that threatens to drown you.

When a rescue swimmer goes to a drowning person, they throw the life ring to the person in danger BECAUSE otherwise they will drown too. We can’t tell people Jesus gives us hope—and then drown in despair because we aren’t believed. When we do that, we need to realize, our hope is in the other person, not Jesus.

We have to live what we profess. And there’s nothing like a drowning loved one to reveal where our hope is rooted. The Scriptures tell us God will shake what can be shaken. True faith in Christ is rock solid—but it doesn’t just happen.

Isaiah 53 tells us those who see the strength of the Lord have seen Him grow up as a ‘root out of dry ground.’ Most of us spend our lives saying we trust God, and then set out to take care of things on our own. It is those situations that we can’t fix reveal our own desperate need. But we don’t need to despair. God IS able – if we will get out of His way. We will see His strength and His beauty revealed in those times.

We are called to be transformed and help others in the process. We don’t do that by making demands – we show others how Jesus works in our life. Jim Wilder, a believer who holds a PhD in Psychology and a Masters in Theology, gave me some helpful insights. He explains that the ‘soil of transformation’ has four necessary nutrients:

1. Show others the ‘face of Jesus’ – look at others with the love Jesus showed the rich, young ruler who walked away from. (Mark 10:21)
2. Be “for others” – be on their team, not just a know-it-all or a critic.
3. Invite them to integrate the values of Christ.
4. Give healthy correction – not everything is beneficial. Don’t settle for peace that’s built on lies.

Cultivating that soil is hard work. It will require you to change and sacrifice. Remember, Jesus walked a path of suffering. Empty words make our faith a sham. “I care.” “I’m praying for you.” without any skin in the game—without personal cost to you is poisonous—for you and them. When another’s situation touches your heart, don’t rush in as their rescuer. That’s not your role. Ask God what He wants you to say or do to help them move toward Him. Then commit to doing what He shows you, so He can love them personally. He is the bridegroom–we’re just His friends.

Watch with me

The hard times are an invitation from Jesus to “watch with Him.” He understands the heartache – remember Gethsemane. Sometimes what He wants is for us to get out of the way. We have to stop making demands in His Name. Love does not demand its own way (1 Corinthians 13). We have to wait and watch, believing His plans are good and His power sufficient for every situation.

Live the Truth you understand, and let life’s consequences prompt the change your loved one needs. You can’t force the right choice nor do the work for them. And if they reject His way, you choose to trust this is God’s will for you to experience. You choose to believe He will work even the present horror for good. Choose to embrace your hard situations with faith in God’s sovereign goodness. It’s hard. Job expressed it this way, ‘Though He slay me, I will trust me.’

God is not absent in the hard times. There is something greater than we can grasp that He is working out. The horrible, hard circumstances we find ourselves in still have the firm, shaping hand of the Potter. His work is always good, and He will work as you lift your eyes to Him.

Faith is not an easy answer–but it is Truth. You can trust God when you follow the ways He has revealed in the Word of God. Reach out to those who know His Word, know His heart – and ask to walk with them. If they know Him, they will be quick to say, ‘come along!’ They won’t make it all better, but the Light within them will light your path. And one day, your Light will shine out for another. Walk in love, friend.